July 29, 2013 - Step by Step

Step by Step
Monday, July 29, 2013

“I never knew which came first, the thinking or the drinking. If I could only stop thinking, I wouldn’t drink. If I could only stop drinking, maybe I wouldn’t think. But they were all mixed up together, and I was all mixed up inside. And yet I had to have that drink. You know the deteriorating effects, the disintegrating effects of chronic wine-drinking. I cared nothing about my personal appearance. I didn’t care what I looked like. I didn’t care what I did. To me, taking a bath was just being in a place with a bottle where I could drink in privacy. I had to have it with me at night, in case I woke up and needed that drink.” - Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, Part II (“They Stopped in Time”), Ch 4 (“The Housewife Who Drank at Home”), p 337.

Today, I won’t care which came first, the delusional and irrational thinking or the drinking, because it doesn’t matter. Whether some deluded thinking misled me to alcohol for a clearer perspective or if excess drinking fueled a thinking problem is moot because, now, the two are intertwined. Thus, my thinking now cannot be that I can resume responsible drinking if I get my thinking in a logical sync, nor can I believe that I would drink responsibly. Neither is possible. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does it matter? The chicken’s polluted; whatever comes out of him is also polluted. Today, I don’t care where my drinking thinking or thinking drinking came from. I want both corrected, and I’m where I need to be to get both. And our common journey continues. Step by step. - Chris M., 2013