Just for Today
Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2010
"I remember the day when I decided to drink myself to death quietly, without bothering anyone, because I was tired of having been a dependable, trustworthy person for about 39 years without having received what I thought was a proper reward for my virtue. That was the day, that was the decision ...when I crossed over the line and became an active alcoholic. ...(w)ith a great sense of relief, I no longer had to pretend. I was giving up the struggle." - Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, "They Lost Nearly All," Ch 11 ("He Who Loses His Life"), p 531.
Just for today, if I even remember the point when I crossed from abusive to alcoholic drinking, was I "giving up the struggle" or giving in? Had I reached a point when I rationalized or justified drinking because my ego had become so twisted that I thought other people, life itself, hadn't appreciated me enough to give me my just due? For me, whenever I crossed the line between abusive drinking and alcoholism, I was not "giving up the struggle;" I was giving in. But what difference does it make now? Whenever and whatever the force that drove me to alcoholism, the Program of AA tells me it matters only as it fits into my own Program of working the Steps that clear out the garbage, that reconcile my past with my present and my hopes for my future. And if, indeed, I was one of those who drank out of some deranged belief that I hadn't gotten what I thought I deserved from people I thought didn't appreciate my worth, perhaps now I should be grateful that I DIDN'T get all that I deserved. Today, I am an alcoholic grateful to be in recovery. How I became one doesn't matter anymore because knowing the reason won't "cure" me. But the Program will. And our common journey continues. Just for today. - Chris M., 2010
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